“What I have to say starts with a premise. Not everyone will buy into my premise but I’m okay with that. Here it is . . . The man determines the quality of his marriage.”
Secondly, know there are no such things as “marriage problems.” We have personal problems, revealed in the white-hot heat of marriage.
“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.” – Nido Qubein
Tom
What Radical Husbands Do: 12 steps to win and keep your wife's heart - Regi Campbell
INTRODUCTION
WHEN IT COMES TO MARRIAGE, our mindset should be…
I am responsible. I am the leader. Love isn’t a hole I fall
into; it’s a choice I make.
DIFFERENT TYPES OF MARRIAGES
1. You wake up feeling lucky (or blessed, depending on your
point of view) because your marriage is so good. You get along great. You talk
things out. You believe the best about each other.
Here’s what’s going on when you’re in that “good place”:
There’s open communication, even about tough stuff like sex.
Conflicts are resolved without a lot of emotion. You work together
smoothly making plans, solving problems and making decisions.
You have a shared vision for your marriage and family. You
both know what you want it to look like, and you’re willing to make individual
sacrifices to make it happen. You’ve figured out your roles, with the
“blessing” of the other. There’s little conflict about who (normally) does what
and a clear willingness to have each other’s backs in emergencies.
There’s a healthy level of respect, never threatened by
disagreements on small stuff. No one yells. No one pouts. You work stuff out.
Each accepts the other as he or she is. No one’s trying to change
anyone. And each spouse tries to not take “personal” things innocently said.
When feelings get hurt, you talk it through quickly, repair the relationship
and move on. You don’t hold grudges.
2. Your marriage is “okay.” Things are stable. Consistent.
There’s general harmony, peace, cooperation and collaboration. There’s a
routine to life together. Could be you’re both so busy, you don’t have time to
think about your marriage as a “thing.”
Be grateful you’re not at war. But peace is not
defined by the absence of war. Nor is a great marriage defined by the absence
of conflict. It’s easy to take things and people for granted. Sometimes what
feels like peace to you may feel like boredom to her.
Your wife might say your marriage isn’t anywhere close to
where you think it is. In fact, surveys show Women are less happy in
their marriages than men Women are more likely than men to see problems
in their marriages Women are more likely to initiate divorce (women ask for
divorce two- thirds of the time), and are more than three times
Here are a few more things that might happen in an “okay”
marriage: You were invited on a marriage retreat, but you blew it off
because you knew it would cost money and take time away from work. Your thought
was, Nah . . . we don’t need that stuff. We’re doing just fine. You knew your
wife wanted to go, but you passed. Refused to seriously consider it.
For Christmas, your dad gave you a book about how to love
your wife. You thanked him politely and then put it on the shelf beside the
family Bible and the Encyclopedia Britannica. Other guys have suggested books
to you. You don’t even write down the titles. You don’t need that crap; you’re
doing fine.
You’re so confident in your wife’s love that you’re ignoring
her, putting everything into your work. For a little while, that was fine. But
it’s become standard. And you’re into your work because you’re getting strokes,
bonuses and promotions. She likes the money part for sure, but if you asked,
she’d rather have more of you. Because you’re so confident in how great things
are and you’re afraid you’ll have to do something different, you’re not going
to ask.
3. Your marriage is a struggle . . . or worse. There’s
friction and frustration almost daily. You argue over big things and little
things.
More big clues: You and your wife keep clashing over the
same things . . .
Money. Why can’t she see what she’s doing to you? To the two
of you. So much debt you can’t breathe. No appreciation for how hard you’re
working. Never satisfied. Never grateful. No encouragement. Never enough.
Sex. Well, that’s a sore subject. It’s gotten less and less
frequent. And more and more routine.
Friends. Yours are yours. Hers are hers. You don’t trust
hers.
The past. Your ex-wife. Her ex-husband. Something from the
past “owns” you. She won’t forgive you. You can’t forgive her . . . or yourself.
Either way, the past keeps coming back to steal the present. And paint a
hopeless future
Other people. There are some you don’t want to disappoint —
your parents, mentors and a few church friends. But most of your married
friends will understand if you break up.
Other women. Maybe that’s where things have really fallen
apart. You’ve met somebody who’s everything your wife isn’t. You may not have
moved on it yet, but you’ve had enough conversations to be emotionally connected
to her. You can’t wait to get free so you can really hang out with her. It’s
going to be complicated, no doubt. But it’s going to be worth it to finally be
happy again.
Other men. You may be suspicious she’s talking to someone
else — or more than talking. She sure isn’t talking to you. Nor is she the
least bit interested in “physical” activities. She’s cold as ice, but you know
she’s not a cold-as-ice woman. You just know there’s no heat coming in your
direction.
Boredom. You love her (yes, you do), but it’s the same old,
same old. You’re getting older. She’s getting older. You look around and see no
heroes in your world, nobody whose marriage you envy.
Ready to take responsibility and step up to win . . . and
keep . . . your wife’s heart. It starts by going “on record” and letting
her know that you’re totally and irreversibly committed to her. You may
think it’s silly. But I’ll bet she won’t.
STEP ONE DECIDE AND TELL HER Decide you love your
wife, that you want to spend the rest of your life married to her, and then
tell her — with downward voice inflection — say it and mean it.
But whether you feel it or not, you’ve got to choose to love
your wife. And I’m not just talking about a day, a week or a month. I’m talking
about choosing to love her until you die. You have to choose to be kind to her,
no matter what she says or how she treats you. You have to choose to serve her,
no matter how little she serves you. You have to choose to get into her frame
of reference, regardless of the fact she never gets into yours. It’s a one-way
street with all the traffic headed in her direction and none headed back your
way.
But if you’re not willing to sign up for this kind of
one-way commitment, your marriage won’t ever be great. If you’re already in
trouble, your marriage won’t make it.
LOVE VERSUS MARRIAGE
Marriage is easy when
you’re feeling the love. But when you aren’t, marriage feels like a cage: I’m
trapped in here with this woman I don’t love. And she doesn’t love me. I can’t
get out and neither can she. This marriage is holding both of us back from
being happy!
We think marriage is the problem, that it’s holding us back
from someone or something better. But think about this: What if the cage
is there to protect us?
Love initiates marriage. But marriage sustains love.
Most importantly, you must tell her you’re making this
commitment for yourself — for your benefit — not to win her heart. That will
blow her mind. But it has to be the truth.
WHY IT’S THE BEST DECISION George Washington Carver once
said, “Anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough.”4 Before he
died, he patented 268 different uses for the peanut.
If you think you’re going to find someone who’s better,
who’ll love you more, who’ll be more like what you want, remember your next
girl still has to fall in love and stay in love with you. If you’re like me and
most men I know, that ain’t no picnic. Most people who divorce once are likely
to divorce again — sometimes twice more. What’s the common denominator? They
are.
If you’ll commit to her forever, stop thinking about the
woman you don’t have, and give the one you have the time, warmth and love she
needs, you might have a chance of pulling this thing out of the fire.
Radical husbands commit and stay committed.
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